Mental Health Hotline
We recently placed a call to the Mental Health
Hotline because one of our associates was feeling a little edgy.
They really have covered all the bases. Here's what we got:
"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline....
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. Remember, you are never alone!
If you are manic-depressive it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, before the beep or during the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and have yourself a good cry. You won't be crazy forever."
_______________________________
One evening, Michael invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Michael's female roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two of them and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was indeed more between them than just a roommate living situation.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Michael volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne and I are just roommates."
Several days later, Joanne came to Michael and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well," said Michael, "I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote his mother a letter: Dear Mom, Thank you for coming to dinner last week. It seems we are missing our silver gravy ladle. I'm not saying you 'did' take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Michael
A couple days later, Michael received a reply: Dear Son, Thank you for inviting me to dinner last week. I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Joanne, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Joanne. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom
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